Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
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What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
When can I start eating bats again.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.