Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy