“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir