“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
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The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst