I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair