ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.