There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
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I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Siri: Retweet me.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”