Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.