Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.