A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
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Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf