Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
And bowling should be called pinball
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother