[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
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Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
This could be us… but you playing
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.