People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.