IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
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Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
your honor my client chooses dare
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames