Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
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Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Today’s Times
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.