One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT