Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
🍞🦆
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
cyclists
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol