When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
When I laugh on my period
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
😬
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker