[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”