how to market bottled water to dads
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[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I’d … I’d rather not.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.