The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*