The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I’m confused about plants
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Human are so complicated
Hot Hot Hot
What number SPF blocks people?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower