Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.