Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.