When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
A sick whale is called an unwhale
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.