Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to