[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
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sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u