Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
this is funnier than any friends episode
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”