me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.