“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
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VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
never ask a starfish for directions
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.