i now pronounce you bounced.
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?