You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?