I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
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My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters