me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
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Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs