BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
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every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Still laughing at this stupid meme
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast