I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
This is true.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
🍛
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/