To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Bros before Ohioes
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
crazy
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife