I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school