My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
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My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.