*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
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Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
This is my cat’s medicine.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Stop sending me this shit.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.