on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
You Might Also Like
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Meow
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.