If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?