This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.