I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
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When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!