On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
It’s a gift
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever