Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
when someone rings the doorbell
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.