When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?