My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
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[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.