I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
lmfao
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.