The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
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Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.